Conversations with Myself
By Laura Brennan
I remember the concern and slight panic on the faces of some of my students and colleagues when the COVID-19 pandemic initially hit and the stay at home orders were put into place. I remember feeling frustrated at the ones brushing it off and saying it was all an overreaction. But most of all I remember feeling calm. You would think someone who lives with her two cats 2400 miles away from the rest of her family would feel more panic, but for the most part I tried to stay focused. Focused on strategies to get my photography students through an unconventional second half of the spring semester. Focused on what needed to be done to stay healthy.
I think we have become very good at distracting ourselves and ignoring our personal struggles. When many of the things we use to distract ourselves are abruptly stripped away, it can become alarmingly uncomfortable to sit with yourself. Instead of fueling my need for distraction, I found myself welcoming the extra time for introspection. I started to consider how I respond and react to uncertainty, distance, and lack of control and how that might translate into my art practice. I found myself looking at my surroundings from a new perspective - thinking about how the space around you and the work you create reflects your state of mind and perhaps the state of the world. As the semester continued, I encouraged my students to do the same.
The work I have created since the start of the pandemic (most of which was done in the first two months of lockdown) came from moments of observing my moods and habits I had not confronted or considered before. I started documenting the state of my kitchen sink as a representation of my state of mind. The dishes pile up as I find new distractions and excuses for why I did not just clean them. The empty sink presents a sense of relief and clarity in being proactive. The self-portraits I have taken are a more literal approach at capturing the varying emotions I have felt and sat with as the world changed. I found myself going through feelings of contentment, depression, apathy, and joy over short periods of time. Photographing those moments as they came and went felt important and helped me address questions such as, what am I sad about, what brings me joy, or why have I played Animal Crossing for the last five hours. The self-portraits were a way to remind myself that what I was feeling and going through was valid. I did not have other people’s expressions and energy to feed off, so what did mine look like in these moments? The one constant I have maintained during this time is my use of Polaroid film. Polaroids played a significant role in documenting random moments in my life when I was growing up, and I find honesty in the raw quality and the little control you have over the outcome of a Polaroid image.
After two months of staying home and needing to hit pause on the introspection, like many photographers, I felt drawn to document how quiet the Las Vegas Strip had become. Adorned with a face mask, my Polaroid land camera in hand, and some film that expired roughly twenty years ago, I looked in amazement at what the Strip had become. Plywood boarded doors next to Prada signs. Waterless fountain statues stood silent. Quiet streets accentuated empty hotels looming above. The resulting images look like stills from a post-apocalyptic movie.
A few weeks later, those same quiet streets filled with voices demanding to finally be heard, crying out against injustice and police brutality. As a photographer it was difficult to deny the pull to document how the world outside was shifting once more, but as a privileged white woman, I knew that this was not my story to tell. It was my turn to become a student again - to listen and learn. Listen to the stories, learn the hidden histories, and study and support the work of BIPOC in the arts. I have made less photographic work and am starting new conversations with myself. Learning and unlearning. Being uncomfortable. In doing so I hope to provide my future students with an even more diversified and inclusive list of artists and photographers that they can study and draw inspiration from.
I encourage my students to go out of their comfort zones - shoot a different style or find a new subject. Even if it does not turn out the way you expected, you will learn something. You will look at your world differently. You will gain a new perspective. While the world continues to feel a bit upside down, I find myself thankful for the extra time for introspection. Our previous sense of normalcy was hindering our potential for growth. If there is one thing I have learned in my life so far, it is that being uncomfortable is a good thing. It means that I am growing.
Laura Brennan received her MFA from the University of Nevada, Las Vegas in 2018 and her BA from Lycoming College in 2015. Her work addresses the complexities of photography as a representation of memory. A native of Ashland, PA, Laura currently resides in Las Vegas where she teaches at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas.
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