Todos Estan Locos Menos Yo (Everyone is Crazy but Me)
By Jess Vanessa
All original art/Jess Vanessa.
I laid in bed staring at the wall for days, with the same thoughts encircling my mind as the day before. It felt as though nothing was moving forward anymore. The day before was the same as the last and knowing that the next day would be the same as the next. I would try to get up, the energy of finding a reason was much more exhausting than the actual action. I haven’t had as much communication as I had regularly had in the past with others. Eventually I had to force myself to use the energy I had left to get up. The living room television always seemed to be on. Another reporter with breaking news on the rising numbers of cases, the slow spread throughout the country. News outlets covering stories on those who believe the pandemic is a hoax. People out having parties, others trying to demonstrate that it was a hoax, to later appear the following week that they had COVID-19. Videos of people began to circulate, they were yelling or physically attacking employees at several locations over wearing a mask. Seeing this frustrated me, how could people treat those just trying to get by so poorly? I began to feel a slow boil inside of me.
I had to take breaks. I was overwhelmed. Rare trips to the grocery stores became something for me to look forward to. They filled me with both fear and excitement, the one place at the moment I could escape my mind. Customers searching up and down the aisles, looking to see if maybe one of the bare shelves had that one item they loved. Others anxiously looking around and moving quickly. Interactions with people became distant not only for health reasons but they were emotionally distant. Everyone was thought of as potentially “carrying.” Constantly on the move within the store and rushing away as soon as someone got too close. I paused and looked around. The store had felt like a kind of reflection of how I felt on the inside. My mind was always buzzing around with an overwhelming sense of doom. I was searching for the things that once made me happy but feeling as though they would no longer be available to me. These trips were no escape though, it was really a part of the world and what was going on. These trips began to further exhaust me.
I’d take the long way home on my drives back home after shopping, hoping that driving could provide some sort of distraction. Driving seemed to make life in COVID-19 feel a little more distant. Unfortunately it didn’t last long. Streets and gutters seem to always have a mask or glove to remind you that COVID-19 was still present. Seeing the electrical boxes covered in BLM tags were a reminder of social issues we unfortunately are still dealing with today. The frustration built up inside of me, the world saw a man on camera killed, and nothing was done about it for months. Racial tensions seemed to grow amongst people; I began to see more and more people divided on the situation. I began to hear on the radio more and more coverage on people who were treated unjustly. I felt so helpless. There wasn’t much I could do without putting someone at risk with COVID-19. My car ride began to feel less of what was supposed to be a scenic drive and more like the 1971 film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’s wondrous boat ride scene. I could hear Gene Wilder’s voice singing “There's no earthly way of knowing which direction we are going.” Unfortunately during these times it seems there really is no way of knowing.
At home most of my free time was spent on social media, I wasn’t on much before the pandemic but now it was part of my daily life. I began to see the same things I saw on the news. I saw reports of people targeted over the color of their skin and more death. Along with these posts I began to see rants, conspiracy theories, and complaints. The boil began to boil over. I found myself commenting on a family members post over a conspiracy video. We decided to continue the conversation privately in our messages. What started with tension, slowly turned into understanding. They had informed me that the post was just information shared with the intent to educate, and I had explained my response was done with the same intention. We conversed with each other willing and realized we were only trying to look out for each other and our friends. We further discussed the topic and decided to find sources with the answer together rather than disagree. The conversation ended with understanding that COVID-19 was indeed very real. Having that kind of negativity with one another was not good for our mental health or our relationship. At the end of the day we loved each other, that having a bond and enjoying the time we have was much more important in life.
After this particular conversation I thought to myself “Todos estan locos menos yo" ( everyone is crazy but me). A phrase I grew up with that now seems to be a very applicable phrase. A phrase which ironically means “I am crazy.” I realized I was no different than the people I was judging and engaging in argument with. I wasn’t having conversations or were others having a conversation with me. Interaction became solely on the grounds of proving someone wrong.
At the moment the world is bitter and mad, shouting and yelling. Not feeling heard and not wanting to hear this way or that. Along with this I realized that I had lost control of myself, I became someone I was not. I was in the same boat as the whole world was at the moment. COVID-19 came into our lives, something we have no control over whatsoever. Our once very predictable controlled lives interrupted by something so uncontrollable. During this time I see growing frustration, anger in others that I myself am experiencing. Tensions accelerating between groups, generalizations of people based on race or beliefs. Encouragement to further separate people on their disagreements, rather than exchange and find the common ground. It took me far into the pandemic to realize that I had let myself drown in my emotions, and let them completely change me, with social media being a huge factor. Being easily manipulated with its algorithms and displaying biased things that I was spending too much time on that fueled my bad mental health. I needed to step back and tend to what I was feeling internally before I could engage with others. I had not done creative things for myself in months, I had completely neglected myself and turned to bitterness, putting much more time into that. I decided after months, to take that step and begin creating again. Doing things that brought joy. Cutting out the things that fueled negativity but still keeping informed. Returning to all the lessons I learned my whole life that had gone forgotten. To be completely humble, and gentle; being patient with one another in love.
Photo/Enrique Malfavon.
Jess Vanessa is a second generation Las Vegan artist and illustrator in Nevada. Jess is a University of Nevada, Las Vegas, alumn of 2017 and has had work featured in Helen Literary Magazine and Susie Magazine. She currently freelances as an illustrator and runs an Etsy shop. She spends much of her free time listening to podcasts and spending time with her pets and family.
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