A View from the Mediator’s Chair: The Promise of Conversation
By Margaret Crowley
“[T]he only sensible and intelligent way of resolve differences and clashes of interests, whether between individuals or nations, is through dialogue.”
The Dalai Lama has it right—we need to talk. More accurately, we need to talk the right way: face to face, with openness and curiosity. In these unprecedented times when hundreds of Americans are dying, we should be connecting with one another, united in grief. Yet we remain polarized, finding it increasingly difficult to engage with those whose viewpoints differ from ours. How has it come to this? As a mediator who deals with people in conflict regularly, I have a few theories.
Many of the issues currently dividing us are based on personal values. Of the many sources of conflict, e.g., relationship, process, data, value conflicts are the most difficult to resolve. It’s easy to see why: how can we compromise on something that represents who we are and what we believe at our very core?
Additionally, the way we communicate has changed dramatically. Rarely do people chat with their neighbors on the front porch. Instead, many receive information via the news medium of their choice. The default mode for communication has become email, text, Facebook, etc. This is not real communication. Real communication is hearing alternative viewpoints, seeing the each other’s eyes and body language, observing reactions, and actively listening. What we see on social media are not conversations, they are soliloquies or words without context. These do not inspire the empathy so vital to our collective and individual well-being.
How do we help the pendulum swing back? One conversation at a time. My chosen style of mediation is facilitative, which emphasizes interpersonal communication. Why? Because face-to-face conversation humanizes a disagreement. It’s one thing to be callous on social media, quite another to do so to someone sitting across the table from you.
I have facilitated conversations between thousands of people, helping many find common ground even in value conflicts. Dialogue allows people to connect on a personal level. It doesn’t mean they compromise their values. It does mean they can choose to see each other as human beings and respect that everyone has a unique perspective. People often find beliefs upon which they can agree. The deeper the conversation, the more opportunities for finding similarities and compassion for one another.
We can all strive to engage in healthy dialogue. I’m excited to be part of One Small Step, hosted by Nevada Humanities, KUNR, and Noticiero Móvil. The program matches two people with different ideological viewpoints for a conversation. Participants can talk about anything. Other communities have done this with great success, finding what I do at the mediation table: there’s almost always something upon which people can agree. Many leave these conversations feeling far more hopeful about the future.
Click HERE If you would like to be a part of it through One Small Step.
Photo/Margaret Crowley.
Margaret Crowley is an adjunct professor of mediation and owner of Crowley Mediation, a private practice focused on elder care, family, employment and general civil mediation, and conflict strategies training. She also participated in the October 13, 2021 Learning How to Listen event hosted by Nevada Humanities. You can view this conversation on YouTube.